rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
soo... how was my night?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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