Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
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When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
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I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.