I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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