The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
