If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
