last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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