I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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