wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
