85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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