rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
