Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
