I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
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We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
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We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize