God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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