here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
