She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
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I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
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The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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