halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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