I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize