HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
