3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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