she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Randomize
