Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
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there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
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Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts