Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(415): View more from California

I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.

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(415): I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it. http://tfl.nu/np4v

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.

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(715): Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again. http://tfl.nu/2g9l

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.

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(603): So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find. http://tfl.nu/dz78

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(818): View more from California

Finally jerked of with a banana peel.

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(818): Finally jerked of with a banana peel. http://tfl.nu/gj9m

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal

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(412): I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal http://tfl.nu/ode2

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?

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(203): i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today? http://tfl.nu/2t0w

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.

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(479): Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band. http://tfl.nu/kt6h

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.

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(617): mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore. http://tfl.nu/p0bd

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(231): View more from Michigan

P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.

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(231): P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles. http://tfl.nu/wlbn

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?

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(405): Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird? http://tfl.nu/uuel

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(847): View more from Illinois

looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!

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(847): looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again! http://tfl.nu/gkwb

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(513): View more from Ohio

Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.

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(513): Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah. http://tfl.nu/232a

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(630): View more from Illinois

I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle

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(630): I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle http://tfl.nu/8rh4

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(407): View more from Florida

Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?

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(407): Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy? http://tfl.nu/b8mt

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(612): View more from Minnesota

This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.

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(612): This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool. http://tfl.nu/kmsc

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