I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
