I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
