Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
