Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
