Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
