i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
