I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
