When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
