I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
