I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
