Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
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I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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