When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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