I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
