this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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