I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
