I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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