you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
