I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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