Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
