Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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