saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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