I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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