The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
