I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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