I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
