Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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