Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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