I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
