I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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