Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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