It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
