I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
