Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i drank out of a bidet.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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