having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
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were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
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You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.