OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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