I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
