i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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