I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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