so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
